(This is a picture of me in August of 1999.)
July 26, 1999
With movies and TV shows, you have soundtracks. So shall it be with email! Please play the Braveheart Soundtrack where available. Thank you.
Dear Friends,
I have looked forward to this day for a long time now. I am finally finished with my radiation and chemotherapy treatments! I got out of the hospital on Saturday. I am still very tired & weak, and am currently on a liquid-only diet. Physically, everything looks great. I should be taking some tests in late August to confirm that freedom has been achieved. :-) Today is the first conscious day I have had since getting out of the hospital and it has been an emotional one by spending the day looking back on everything. It has been a long six months that has brought on every emotion capable of the human spirit. I have been to the mountain top and have gone through the valley of the shadow of death. A chapter of my life is finished and a new one is about to begin. During this transitional time, allow me to pause and share with you some reflections on these past 6 months.
Regrets:
Let's get the bad stuff out of the way, shall we? Regrets. I aim to live a life where I have none and I continue to have that aim. I do, however, have some things that I would have done differently these past 6 months. I would have laughed more. Cliff Sanders once told me to take a night out and rent nothing but comedies; for laughter has proven to be very healthy. I never officially had a Comedy Night; but there were a few times that the air was filled with the sound of The Three Amigos and Austin Powers. It's weird...a part of me says I took having this cancer stuff too seriously and then there is a part of me that says I didn't take it serious enough. The second part of me wished I would have cried more. I did have my moments and I thank all of you who were there for me at those moments. With saying all that, I predict that there will be some more times in the near future reserved for insane laughter and intense tears.
I am sorry for the time, energy, and memories that this took away from my final semester of college. I did not get to finish attending my classes (which I truthfully regret). I did not get to attend as many social functions as I would have. I did not get to do my Senior Sermon. And I missed out on Spring Break in California among other things. Above all, I am sorry for all the strain that this put on all my relationships. I apologize specifically to my parents, Jill, Lisa Faulkner, and Joe & Julie Drew who saw me at my worst. It is a constant wonder that they still acknowledge this ragamuffin that I am as their son, brother, and friend.
Joys:
All of my joys have been relational. I will take this time to mention the Gold Medal Relationships. Lisa Faulkner: you always either bring a smile to my face or a tear to my eye. You are beyond comprehension, and thus, beyond any words this mouth can form. Joe & Julie Drew: you took me in at my worst in order to help me become my best. Jay & Jennifer Kelly: Jay, you have been there since the very beginning...you mean the world to me. You found me brick and have transformed me into marble. Dr. Nestor Rigual: he probably won't ever read this, but you are all one could ever ask for in a doctor...you not only cared for my body but also cared my for heart and soul. Kurt Salierno: for having a life of love and a love of life that is more contagious than cancer and harder to kill. :-) And finally, to my parents: for still allowing me to be their baby boy and at the same time allowing me to make the "calls" when they had to be made.
Others I want to mention who helped me tremendously in this journey are: Cliff & Becky Sanders, Dr. Ron & Shirley Roddy, Rob Roddy, Mrs. Carpenter, Doyle & Lori Fortney, Crossings Community Church Pastoral Staff, Brandon Kough, Jennifer Tunison, Brad Hill, Jonathan Absher, Jeff Henson, and to all of the rest of you that go unmentioned here, know that all of you, each and every one of you, are forever carved into the essence of my soul. I chose to win and live every grueling day these past 6 months because I looked forward to hearing your voice, seeing your face, and feeling your touch. You are what made my life and continue to make my life phenomenal!
Surprises:
Allow me to share with you now just some of the surprising and not-so-surprising lessons I have acquired from conquering cancer...and know I use the word, "conquer", quite joyfully.
First some of the no-brainers. Cancer sucks! I know that is not the most civilized of words...but it pretty much summarizes how I feel about cancer. :-)
Some of the lessons have been voiced to me prior to this journey but this time around they were quietly screamed into my ear. We, as people, do not cry and laugh enough. Somehow someone at one time led us to think crying is just for girls and laughing is just for clowns. So untrue. I have leaned more of my humanity from these two emotions than all the rest. I'm still not sure what that tells us about me. :-)
We spend too much time on the meaningless (like watching Judge Judy) and too little time on the priceless (like investing time into each other). I am only 22 years old but I have already learned to cherish each moment and if it is up to me I will never ever again be said of "wasting" time.
One last thing I will take time to expound on is that suffering is an interesting experience. It is an experience that has various levels and to which comes various products. One thing that is distinctly different about life after suffering (severe suffering in this case) is that life has a fresh feel to it ... like a shirt never worn or one just out of the dryer. Everything that was is either fresh or fresher. The blind and the deaf are sometimes said to have enhanced sensation in their functioning senses. This is the closest way I can describe it. It sounds poetic but I truly mean when I say that color is more vivid, smells are more distinct, and taste is more robust! If this is what suffering brings, it is going to be interesting what death brings! :-)
Parting Words:
This has been one of the most emotional, heartfelt letters I have written to a mass audience. Thank you for reading with your eyes and your hearts. In closing, let me voice a blessing and a challenge to you all. May you approach each day and each moment extraordinarily! For one of Satan's greatest lies is that there is even such a thing that is "ordinary". There is no ordinary; everything is extra ordinary ... ordinary with a little extra to it. Each and every one of you is unique. None of you are exactly the same. The same is true for all of life. People may look identical, places may look similar, and all foods may taste like chicken :-); but they are never truly the same. So live! Live life!! Love life!! Everyday is a new adventure! Approach everything like it is your first time...and your last. Eat, drink, and be merry; for tomorrow we shall die...and then shall really live!
Love Always,
Neil
No comments:
Post a Comment